I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
