he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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