im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
