I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize