I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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