Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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