My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
