I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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