Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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