Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
