Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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