I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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