I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
