I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
ugly people sure do ruin things
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
