the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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