I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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