I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
