We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
