Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
