Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
