guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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