if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
