we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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