Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
