I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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