I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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