PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
