apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize