god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize