When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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