hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Randomize