So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize