I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
