I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
