the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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