Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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