lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
