If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize