my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
