matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
