It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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