I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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