And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
