corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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