i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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