1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize