My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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