The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
