That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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