remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
