god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
