Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
