Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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