Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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