Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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