If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
