I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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