i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
