Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
