Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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