i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
