I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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