I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
