Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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