why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
